New Slang! COLD SLANG!

Alright. So I was walking home from Dions in a t-shirt at night and it was pretty cold outside. I was walking down Central and I passed this homeless man who mumbled "you're gonna freeze to death." This was pretty ironic. I mean, its the first time a homeless man told me that I would freeze to death. This is what inspired my new slang term. "It's so cold outside a homeless man told me I'd freeze to death!" Pretty good eh? Well it gets better. I ended up having to walk back to Dions and actually saw that same homeless man again. Once again he saw me and mumbled "you're gonna freeze to death." So that's how I came up with this new and improved slang: "It's so cold outside a homeless man told me I'd freeze to death..... twice!"

Low Phone Battery and Other Suspicious Activity

BE WARNED: What follows is not really funny, nor that interesting. It is just an account of what happened recently that I felt I had to write down and might as well post. So if you are an El Grayso reader who enjoys my zany wacky silly comments, or my dead on political analysis of our country.... feel free to skip this post. I didn't write it for you, I wrote it for myself. Straight up, church.

What a long night. First of all, I went to Dions to meet some friends and when we left, I found out I had a flat tire, but my friends had already left. I called my dad and he said that he was at a party and that I should just call Triple A. So I went inside Dions to call Triple A and my phone cut out and turned off due to low battery. So I turned it back on and text messaged the girl I have been dating for the last 5 days or so and told her what was up about how I was stuck at Dions and my phone apparently only let me text message. Blair (the girl) texts back and says that she'd go to help, but she didn't think she would be of any use. So I says to her that it would be really nice if she came anyways so I could have a cell phone to use and somebody to wait with me. Then she says "sorry, you should try to find somebody else." What's up with that? So I text back that I understand if she is busy, but if she is just preferring to go to a party with her friends than try to help me it kinda sucks. Then I realize that I might be able to use the Dions phone to call Triple A. I ask a girl there and she lets me use her cell phone. Triple A says that it will be about an "hour to an hour and a half" before they can be there. I figure "fuck waiting here" and decide walk home, wait a bit and let my phone charge (Triple A will call THAT phone afterall, if they need me) and then I'll ride a bike back and get back to Dions in time for the Triple A people to get there. Now I start walking home and Blair hasn't texted back, so I text her something saying about how I shouldn't have blamed her and it's not her fault and I was just in a bad mood. I don't hear back from her until I'm all the way at Nob Hill and she says "I'm at Dions and you aren't here." Then I tell her I'm really sorry and that I started walking back. "I don't see your truck here" is the next message I receive. It's fucking there! Don't worry about it! It's pretty crazy how suspicious this girl is about this whole deal. She acts like I planned it all or something. Anyways, I just tell her to look harder. Then I say that she should pick me up at Satelite so I can appologize in person. She told me that since she drove to Dions, I should just walk back there. Sooo I walk all the fuck up Central back to Dions, outside, in the cold, in a T-Shirt. I come inside to Dions and its her and some friends at a table. I told her I was sorry if I messed up her night. She said I didn't mess up her night, but she thought it was weird that I got mad at her "for not leaviing my friends for your sake when we've only known eachother a few days." She says that my dad was there and asks how I could have called him if my phone battery died. I told her that I talked to my dad before and he said that he couldn't come. Again, with the suspicion. I leave to go find my dad and just as I get up from the table my phone rings and then it cuts off. I hold it up to the table of skeptics and say "see, somebody just tried calling me and my phone went out because it can't handle calls." Then one girl at the table says as I am leaving "well maybe you shouldn't have text messaged so much." BURN! Just kidding. That burn didn't really make any logical sense or really mean ANYTHING. So I go outside looking for my dad and he's not there. Eventually I get a call from him and I try to make it short (phone battery low). He's pretty mad and comes to pick me up. He tells me that somebody slashed my tires and that he and the Triple A guy came and I wasn't there. The Triple A guy said he wouldn't be there for another hour!!! And my dad never said he was even coming!! Anyways, somebody slashed my tires and we figure it is because of my blasphemous message I had on my truck "Jesus Was A Pacifist!" Now, that is just common knowledge so I didn't realize that it could be offensive in any way. But you never can underestimate the stupidity of the citizens of America. So my dad says that we can't just buy one new tire because they don't make this kind anymore and we have to buy a whole set, which will cost hundreds of dollars. Of course, he was pretty mad about this and told me that I shouldn't write things on my truck that will offend people. So he takes drives me to the party and I drop him off and he lets me drive back home in his car. When I get home and put my dead phone in the charger I find out that I have a few text messages. "How did you call your dad if your phone was dead?" I don't even think I bothered to answer her on this one. It gets annoying after a bit constantly explaining that my phone can TEXT MESSAGE but an actual PHONE CALL takes up too much battery! Then I get the message "I think we should just be friends", and I get sad and say "just because of tonight?" and she says "you are smothering me!" So I call her like a human being would and quit this robot bullshit now that I have a phone charger hooked up. I ask her if we can talk on the phone the normal way. She says she doesn't mind. I ask her how I am smothering her and she says that I only have known her a little while and I already freak out when she can't come see me and that I always want her to see me or something. I thought about this and how she could think that I was "smothering" her. The only thing I could think of was that when I talked to her I would sometimes say things like "what are you doing later tonight?" and one time when I was coming home from Luis's I stopped by her work to say hi.... I normally wouldn't do something like that, but I thought she would like it because a few days before that she texted me during the day and said "are you going to come and visit me at work?" So I thought it would be a nice thing. Hey, I'm a nice guy afterall. Anyways, back to me and her talking on the phone about "smothering". I am in the middle of a sentance and I hear this "hey hey hey hey" in another voice. So I ask who it is. "This is Blair's friend and she doesn't want to be with you, can't you take a hint and just leave her alone?" so I just am thinking by now, this is just completley wac and I hang up the phone and decide that I want to talk to somebody about this craziness. So I drive up to Jenny's gradma's where I know Angelo and her are watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. I told them the whole story and they said she was a bitch as soon as I told them that she told me to try and find somebody else when I asked if she could wait with me. And looking back on it, I aggreed and I no longer think I am the one who was an asshole. I mean, even if we have only been dating for a little bit, if you have any cares about somebody you would easily go wait with them, I mean, it's not a hard thing to do if you have any compassion or empathy. And then I told them the WHOLE story and they couldn't believe how much of a "bitch" she was. I agree, but I wouldn't call her a "bitch", only because I know that everything she did was really bitchy, but Blair, in her own little world, probably didn't realize it. Forgive her father, for she knows not what a bitch she can be. I think that's from the bible. So Angelo is really good friends with her ex boyfriend and he told me that he's heard that she is really crazy... and that she is bi-polar. I thought it was funny that he kept saying "I knew she was crazy, but I didn't know she was a bitch." I was telling Jenny that I was glad I found out that she acted like this towards people this early and didn't get into a real relationship before I found out. I said that I didn't really care about not dating Blair (now that I know what she can be like) anymore, but it kinda sucked because I thought she was a much nicer person and a different person. Angelo said "dude, she was a different person, she's bi-polar." Even though she was a bitch to me, I don't want to be mean to her really, I just want to not have her in my life anymore. At one point I wanted to tell her "fuck you", but, it's not really worth it. I mean, adding more hate into the world isn't really going to solve anything. And I kind of feel bad for her, if she's bi-polar. I'm really glad I'm not dating somebody like her. Not because she's bi-polar, but because she is obviously a very shallow person. It really helped talking to Angelo and Jenny because they made me realize how sane I really was and how she was the one being... off the level. Jenny is right when she says that when you give the phone to another guy to tell me to go away, that's like stuff people do in middle school. In highschool you would hope that people can actually talk to one another rationally. Oh well. I have written this post on the night of Saturday 2/26, but I will not post it until I get some of the stuff she has of mine back. I don't want her to read it (she knows the address, but doesn't use the internet often) and burn the movie and books she has of mine or something. So I'll save this as a draft until I get the stuff back. Speaking of that, earlier in writing this post she texted me saying "sorry some guy from work took the phone. I do like you but you are just smothering me. i just want to take things slowly. do you want still want to hang out tomorrow?". By the way, tomorrow had been planning on have this official "date" thing where we would go to the mountains or something. Now here is what I answered back to "do you want to still hang out tomorrow?"........ "Yes... I want to get my stuff back." Oh man, it felt good saying that. Then she just texted "OK". So hopefully I will get my stuff back without a problem and not have to deal with this girl ever again.
-------------
Today: I went up to the ditch by Angelos house and hung out a bit with Max, Luis, Josh and Angelo. Somebody mentioned something about Blair and Josh said "you're dating Blair?" "Not anymore" I said "She seems pretty crazy." And everybody I guess already knew that she was crazy and irrational and they were talking about it and everything. I wish they had told me before I went out with her. Although, she was really nice to me at first so I probably wouldn't have believed them. Anyways, I got my stuff back and I can move on with my life and forget about that whole ordeal.

Movie Review: Crumb

Crumb is a documentary on the artist Robert Crumb, who specializes in particularly weird comics. The movie wasn't made as good as it probably could have, but I guess it's a good movie if you like R. Crumb. Personally, I'm not all that amazed by his work or anything, so I felt that the 2 hour documentary got pretty dull after a bit.
3 stars

Movie Review: Safe

Safe is the story of a house wife who suddenly starts getting sick and nobody knows why. She soon finds out that the problem is that she is stressed out and has developed a sickness from general everyday toxins and fumes. She coughs a lot. Has some trouble breathing. Eventually she goes to live at a institution where they take care of people with those problems. THAT IS THE WHOLE MOVIE. Safe is two hours long and is two hours longer than it should be. If you want a really drawn out plot that will bore the hell out of you, I highly recommend Safe.

2 stars

Words Of Wisdom

"This banker had gravy on his vest,
gravy on his tie,
gravy on his pants,
gravy all over him.
And he went to his grave,
with gravy on his vest,
gravy on his tie,
gravy on his pants,
gravy all over him.
That dirty old man."

Movie Review: Saved!

Pop Quiz: Which of the following is NOT true?
In both films, Saved! and the Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys....
A. The plot consits of a Christian school in which some students begin to rebel.
B. Jena Malone plays a lead role.
C. Macauly Culkin plays a lead role.
D. Saved! tries to do what Alter Boys already suceeded at... and fails.


-------------------------------
the answer is c. macauly culkin plays a lead role in Saved! while kieran culkin (his brother) plays a lead role in Alter Boys.

The film Saved! isn't bad, but smells of a cheap ripoff in many forms.

3 stars

Movie Review: The Take

Activist journalist Naomi Kline wrote the basis for this interesting documentary on worker control in Argentina. The great capitalist myth is that a factory requires demanding bosses to oversee a companie's sucess.... the worker resistant movement in Argentina proves this wrong. When a company decides that it is more profitable to just abandon a factory (and the workers) and start a new one somewhere else, the workers have a different idea. They infiltrate the abandoned factory and form a democratic worker's union and run the show themselves. This film documents the worker takeover of several factories in Argentina and the political and economic resistance from the wealthy former factory owners. The police are essentially a tool of those in power and it becomes a struggle between the people and the rich.
4 stars

Hunter S. Thompson, RIP

One of my top 5 living heroes commited suicide recently. What better way tribute to him than a tribute written by one of my other top 5 heroes? This an article on HST by Greg Palst. I would have made a link to it instead of posting it, but the article apparently isn't on his website (I got it because I'm on the emailing list).
---------------------------------------
NOSE HAIR AND HUNTER
Monday, February 21, 2005
Greg Palast on HST

It was Princess Di's photographer who told me to shave the hair on top of my nose. That was when I was famous, famous for a whole week. I was famous only in England, an island off the coast of Ireland, but it was fame nonetheless. The entire front page of the Mirror, a London tabloid newspaper, was splashed with a ghastly photo of my head (hair on nose, not on head), an attacking my investigation of Tony Blair. My own paper, the Guardian/Observer, wanted to give a different impression of me, so the editors spent an ungodly sum of money to hire Princess Di's photographer to make me pretty for a large photo spread of their own. But there was nothing much the lens man could do. "Get rid of the nose hair," he suggested, working, without success, on the 200th snap.

I met Hunter Thompson when I was twenty years old; that is, saw him from the back of a crowd at the gym at my college where he was performing. I say "performing" because that's what Thompson did, even three decades ago. He'd become an astonishing success as a writer -- and his writing was astonishing. Then he became very accomplished at success and stopped accomplishing much as a writer. That's when I decided not to become a journalist.

If that's what a journalist does, I thought, I'd rather do something a little more interesting with my life. I switched to the hospital administration program with a plan to open a community health center in Woodlawn, then the hardest of the hard-core poverty troughs in Chicago.

Things didn't work out as planned; and twenty-five years later I ended up a reporter. Thompson ended up as a cartoon character. No kidding: "Transformer," the bald-headed comic book journalist hero, drinker, druggie, smart-aleck scourge of bad guys and editors.

That was the comic book; then there's the man. Thompson the writer kept writing in bits and snips, but it was always a parody of Thompson. His later compilations (he couldn't sustain a book) like "Generation of Swine" were brilliant one-joke rants. You'd read them and you didn't know a goddamn thing you didn't know before you read them.

Thompson stopped taking on the big topics -- after all, what topic could measure up to him?

It wasn't always that way. What impressed me about "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" is that it was written as a coda, a needed break, from Thompson's grueling investigative report on the death of Chicano activist Ruben Salazar. And this I also know: all that cool fear-and-loathing patter was not written on acid in a Ghia doing 140; it was typed alone in a quiet room.


Alone in a quiet room. No school gyms of adulating audiences on their feet to cheer the genius, no comic book figures dropping bon mots could press those keys.

And then came the satanic sucker-punch, celebrity. Poor Mr. Thompson.

When I think of how my one goofy week of offshore stardom twisted my head (I'm still neurotically plucking hairs off my nose), I can only imagine what Thompson's daily dose of fame cocaine did to him.

When I go off track, when I catch myself obsessing about my number on the Times' paperback nonfiction list, I wrestle my thoughts back to Tundu Lissu. Tundu's the lawyer who followed up on my investigation of the deaths of 50 Africans in George Bush Sr's gold mines. They were buried alive and Lissu brought back the evidence for which he was arrested and charged with sedition by the government of Tanzania. Released from prison, he refuses to seek refuge and safety.

Tundu Lissu is a giant. I barely reach his knees, that is, as a moral being. But I can do one thing: tell his story to the world -- and keep myself out of the way.

When a writer gets bigger than his subjects, he's dead -- though not yet buried.

This morning, I heard that Thompson faced this intractable truth, and completed the job; suicide with one of the guns he toyed with for the cameras.

Goodnight, Mr. Thompson.

And thanks for those astonishing words, no matter what they cost you.
---------------------------------

Denver Girls AND Slang

So the other day I was eating at Dions with Luis. It was a typical Friday night. You know. So there is this group of 3 girls at the booth behind me and one of them leaned over and said "Hey. We are from out of town, what is there to do around here?" (This is when I realized there really isn't anything to do in this city... but that is besides the point.) We told em the typical stuff, like going to movies, eating, and they asked if we had laser tag here. Yes we do have laser tag. Anyways there were some highlights of the 45 minute or so conversation we had with these girls that I would like to share with you. What follows is a highly accurate recreation of various moments of the night......

Britany (I remember that name for some reason): So what do you guys normally do?
Grayson: Well, we typically eat Dions and then go to that porn store down the street.
Vivian (at least she looked like somebody who could be named Vivian): Really?? You guys always do this?
Luis: Yes...
Grayson: Almost every night.
Vivian: Jeez.
Jane (this girl I don't remember her name either, nor did she look like a 'Jane', but oh well): Why do you have so many porn stores in this city?
Vivian: Yeah, we saw like 5 just on this one street (points to Central).
Grayson: Well, Albuquerque is actually the porn capital of the US.
Jane: Seriously?
Grayson and Luis: Yeah.
Vivian: I think they are lying, you guys have probably been lying all night.
Britany: I think he's serious.
Grayson: I am serious.
Vivian: So do you two go to the porn store.... together... ? (giggles)
Grayson and Luis: uh... yes
Vivian: (giggling) do you guys like...... masturbate together?
Grayson: No, I don't think so.
Britany: There is this kid at our school who masturbated during class.
Jane: Yeah under the desk... Guys do that all the time at our school, it's gross. Does that go on at your school?
Grayson: Actually, no, our school prides itself on having no record of masturbation within it's grounds.

(At this point a cop sitting at the OTHER booth next to us looks over and joins in the conversation)

Cop: (looking at me) What school do you go to?
Grayson: Highland, right there. (points to highland)
Cop: Ah.... There was this guy a couple of days ago. He had the blinds to the front window of his house all the way open and stood there completely in the nude when the mail lady came by. (Cop proceds to make masturbation gestures and even a 'squirting' type sound)

I happened to think this was pretty funny. I'd never seen a cop make masturbation gestures before.

LATER ON....

Vivian: Earlier tonight, we were right near an escaped convict an we didn't even know it!
Luis: What do you mean?
Jane: We were at *Taco Village* in *Rat* county (I made these names up. I can't remember what county (it was in NM) they were in nor what restrurant) and the police came in asking the people who worked there about a guy who was standing right next to us earlier, but he had left by now. The police were like 'Have you seen a guy that looked like so and so...... he's an escaped convict. Do you know where he went?'
Britany: Yeah, it was crazy. Then when we left we kept seeing all these signs like "Do Not Pick Up Hitch-Hikers".
Grayson: Well in *Rat* county they use the honor system.
Vivian: The "honor system"?
Grayson: Yeah, like the prisoners can leave whenever they want to, but they aren't supposed to wander off to far or run away.
Vivian: That's crazy! That's the worst system ever!
Grayson: Well they are pretty liberal in *Rat* county. They don't want the prisoners to feel all caged up or anything. Besides, they have police that patrol the area around the penitentury sometimes.
Jane: Sometimes..?
Vivian: I think he's lying.
Luis: He's not lying. They've always used the honor system over there.
Grayson. Yeah.
Jane: I think they are telling the truth.

At one point, I tried telling them that we had a part of town in which the streets were named after various Batman villans. But apparently Luis already told them about my idea for making street names like that and when I told them that they said "You're friend already told us that that was an idea you had. They aren't real streets like that at all!" So I looked at Luis and said "I didn't tell you I made up the street names, I told you that I read in the newspaper that they named some streets that." Then Luis says "Oh yeah, it was from a newspaper, he's right. They are real streets." But unfortuneately they didn't believe us. I think they believed a lot of stuff we said, but that one was plainly a lie. I must have been daydreaming or something when Luis told them about my Batman villan streets idea, because I really don't remember him telling them.

Another cool aspect of meeting people that don't know anything about your town is that you can teach them all kinds of "slang" that "we use here." Luis told them that a term often used is "masturbation fueled car", and they said they hadn't heard of it before. I hadn't heard of it before either, so I couldn't help laughing a little bit, but I dont think they noticed. Luis continued, "Yeah, like if somebody gets somewhere really fast, you say 'How did you get here so fast, did you use a masturbation-fueled car?' " One of the girls laughed and said that she would start using that term. I took the opportunity to try and get them to start using a slang word that I invented years ago: Lump-Core. For those of you not familiar with the term, lumpcore is a type of music. Music that is popular is of course called "mainstream" and music nobody has heard of is called "underground." Well lumpcore is the type of music that most people aren't that familiar with and they aren't on the radio, but still a lot of people actually know who they are. A perfect example would be 'Less Than Jake'. Most people don't know who they are, but a lot of people do. They actually are played on the radio sometimes, but so rarely that most people aren't familiar with them. Thus, Less Than Jake is lumpcore. The word "lumpcore" stems from the idea of a flat surface, or "ground", as in "underground." Now, being "above ground" would make a band considered "mainstream" and "underground" being, little known. Well imagine a band as a lump in the ground pushing its way up, but not quite making it above ground into the mainstream. Yet many people can still see the lump in the ground, all though it isn't as obvious as a band that is fully above ground. And that is "lumpcore." I hope you use this term and spread it. And I hope you remember the word's humble roots (me) when it becomes a household term.
Speaking of terms. I invented another term the other day. As you may know, I often (Sunday nights from 11pm-1am) listen to an internet radio program in Portland called "Trojan Meltdown." They play "underground" music from the North West. Pretty much the only reason I listen to it is because my friend Jason is one of the main DJs on it (aka Dr. Madness). Since I don't live in Portland, I have to listen to the station via internet... and it is convienient because you can Instant Message the DJs while the show is playing by IMing the screenname "TrojanMeltdown" (if you remember my earlier post about how I guessed the name of one of the bands and would have won tickets but was denied tickets because I don't live in Portland). You can call them up like a normal station, but you can IM them as well. I take an interest in IMing them because Jason often talks about some of the things I say on the air. I get my kicks this way...... Yes. This is my life.... Anyways, last week Jason was the only DJ and kept using the term "double header." I've never heard of this term before and he was surprised when I IMed him and asked him what it meant. As I assumed, it is used when you play two songs of the same band back to back. I told him they should make a term for when they play 3 songs in a row. He told me to make one up. And with this ardous task layed before me, I did not disappoint him. The term? "Triple Blastoff". So from then on he kept referring to the "Triple Blastoff" he was playing, or was about to play and what not. My favorite aspect of this is that he didn't ever tell the audience what the term meant, he just started using it. I think that term will get pretty popular as well and used on radiostations throughout the world. And when this term grows big, as it surely will, you can tell people that you once knew the guy who invented it.

Movie Review: Pink Flamingos

Pink Flamingos is the self-proclaimed film about the "filthiest people on earth", and it holds up to it's word. In Flamingos you find everything from a very obese woman eating tons of eggs in a literal pig pen to the act of ******* of ******* ***** ***** own son. Flamingos is a cult classic among cult classics. Right up there next to Eraserhead and Plan 9 From Outer Space. This is of course why I saw it. Plus a chicken was killed during a particulary awkward scene involving ***** voyerism and the ****** chickens in between ****** and ****** during the process of sex. Weird ass chicken sex. Violence, Nudity and Horrible Horrible make-up pretty much comprise this epic of the battle filth. "An Excersise In Bad Taste", as it is advertised. Indeed it is.
3 stars

Movie Review: Begotten

"...Makes Eraserhead Look Like Ernest Saves Christmas" is my favorite testimony of this movie, and probably the most accurate description of it. And how true it is. Not to say that Begotten is better than Eraserhead, which it isn't and doesn't try to be, but it is definatively darker. It's actually hard to imagine a movie darker than Begotten. How many movies begin in a cabin in the woods depicting the Almighty slaughtering himself with a razor blade? I only know of one. Yes, Begotten is truely an original piece of art. Or, as some people surely see it, a truely original piece of shit. Indeed, it is not only extremely blasphemous, offensive and brutally violent, it is also a film that disregards any sense of plot or story. Think Eraserhead had "no plot"? Think Gummo had "no plot"? You my friend, don't know the meaning of the term "no plot", at least not until you've seen Begotten. Describing Begotten is like trying to describe a piece of art*. You can't explain it in typical movie terms and it is definately a film that is subject to taste. As great of a movie I personally think it is, the masses that go to IMDB.com rate it at a little above a 5/10. In fact, I bet you, the reader, will find this movie to be a boring piece of trash that anybody could have made. Well Nicolas Cage would disagree. In fact, Cage loved the movie so much he enlisted the director, Elias Mehrige, to direct Cage's production of the hit film Shadow of the Vampire. As if I haven't stressed it enough, Begotten is a wonderful film that will surely scar the minds of any children that happen to to catch a glimpse of it. In fact, I gaurantee the images presented in this film will be forever burnt into the mind of any child that views it; an experiment I whole heartedly encourage.
5 stars


* While watching this film, I couldn't help but feel it was almost as if schitzophrenic artist Nick Blinko's work was projected into movie form.

Movie Review: Orange County

Four Words: Mediocre Jack Black Movie.
2 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Pusher

Pusher is labeled as "Denmark's reply to Trainspotting", which makes it sound interesting, but really... it's eh. It's not nearly as good as Trainspotting for one thing and there isn't any of the humor that Trainspotting succeeded with. There actually wasn't any humor at all. Not even all that much drama either. The big problem with this film is that it took a bunch of elements from other similar movies and brought nothing of it's own to the table. It is kind of like watching a (semi) low budget movie that tries to mix elements of Trainspotting, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and Lola Rent all in one. But like I said, it brought nothing new to the table. Not a terrible movie, but somewhat dissappointing if you are a fan of the type movies it was influenced by.
3 stars

Movie Review: Brazil

First off, I think that Brazil is over-rated. It's a good movie and is definately worth a gander, but it's not worth making some sort of shrine over. Brazil is one of those movies that is very original and can be alluded to in various situations, but the movie itself seemed to be lacking... something. I don't know what it was lacking, but I do think it was lacking it. For sure. It's a classic, so see it anyways and make up your own mind.
4 stars

Movie Review: Dodgeball

This movie, well, pretty much sucked. Its just like another teenager movie that really isn't funny or interesting or good at all. Very mediocre. I know what you are thinking: But the trailer made it look like a funny and entertaining movie. To that I say, No, No it didn't. The only reason I watched this was because it was during school. If you are looking for a shitty, average, predicatable teen comedy, I think this is the movie for you. The only thing vaguely cool about it was the fact that it was a spin off of the mediocre (yet surprisingly entertaining) kids movie Heavyweights, which was released a decade ago. Ben Stiller's character in Heavyweights pretty much comes back to have a movie of his own, mixed with the lame-brain style of humor found in Stiller's Zoolander. So if you find yourself in the position of renting Dodgeball, put it back and watch Heavyweights and Zoolander instead. It won't be all that great of an experience, but it will be tons better than if you watched the ridiculously unoriginal and predictable garbage that calls itself Dodgeball.

Google Valentines

It's Valentine's day tomorrow and Google is making us aware of it. I understand the heart and the roses, but the toilet paper kinda threw me off. I can only imagine it's a humble tribute to all the single guys out there on this holiday.

Movie Review: Seventh Seal, The

The Seventh Seal is one of those movies that shows up on all the top 100 movie lists. I watched it today and I guess I just don't understand what is so amazing about it. It was really interesting in many scenes, but it kind of dragged on and not much really happened throughout the film. The idea of the movie was based on murals the director saw at church as a child. A knight plays chess against death as the towns people around him are trying to survive and understand the black plague. It wasn't as great as I had expected, but it does feel like one of those movies you will always remember once you have seen it.
3 1/2

Movie Review: Tetsuo

Tetsuo is one of those movies that just makes you think "man, there is way too much Japanese style grunting dubbed over this movie." In fact, I bet I would have appretiated this film to a much higher degree if it was free of the insane amount of annoying anime reminescent grunting. For instance, when the character sees something normal, he'll grunt. Or if he sees something scary, he'll make kind of a scared grunt sound. Anyways, I read about this movie online and the guy at Alphaville said I might like it since I like weird movies. I bet you are wondering what the hell the movie is about aren't you? Well it's not actually about Japanese style grunting, that is merely one of it's strongest elements. It is actually about a man who gets hit by a car and gets a piece of metal stuck in his brain. He can't take it out or else he'll die, and we all know what happens when you have a piece of metal in your brain and you leave it there: you start turning into a robot. This turning into a robot business definately takes it's toll on his sex life too. I mean, his girlfriend is not exactly down with the two foot long metal drill that has replaced his penis. Actually, come to think of it, a lot of this movie is about him trying to have sex as a robot. The irony is that it is in these sex scenes when he is grunting the least. If you see this movie, you might enjoy it better by playing your favorite ABBA album in the background and turning down the volume on the movie. Don't worry, there is almost no dialogue in the film.... and it's in Japanese so it's not like you'd need to hear it anyways. What's that? ABBA sucks? That's exactly my point, I'm trying to demonstrate just how annoying the grunting gets.
3 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Onibaba

The 1964 Japanese classic, Onibaba, is a classic for a reason. An interesting story unfolds as we see the lives of two women living in a hut in the middle of a desolate landscape full of some kind of really tall grass. It is a time of war and occasionally they find men wandering around in the field lost. So they do what any rational person would do. They kill them and sell their armor and weaponry. But hey, a girl's got to eat right? Eventually a male friend of theirs comes back from the war and makes things more complicated for their simple lifestyle. It's like an action packed love story.... with a mask. Kind of a funny looking mask. Anyways, the mask doesn't come along until later in the movie, but I thought you should know about it. The cinematography and directing is so amazing that I hardly even noticed that the whole movie setting is limited to a barren landscape of weeds and a giant hole in the ground. Oh yeah, there is a hole in the ground. A really big hole. Keep in mind that there is a cool mask in this movie. At one point, the mask actually is in the hole in the ground. And if that's not going to get you to see this movie, nothing will.
4 1/2 stars

Jeffery

Jeffery
A humanitarian in the purest for
Nobody cared more for human life
Technically he murdered in war
It wasn’t really murder though
Communists weren’t like him, they didn’t care about human life
His efforts must have saved so many lives in the long run anyways
Recently he bombed an abortion clinic
It was empty at the time of course
Saving more of God’s children
Think of all the lives he saved

Movie Review: When Harry Met Sally

Rob Reiner’s When Harry Met Sally (1989) is a modern classic romantic comedy. It is the story of a man and a woman who originally met right after high school before they went their separate ways. Years later the two bump into each other and don’t think much of it until the situation arises a few more times. After bumping into each other so many times, they eventually start talking and become good friends. Their problem is that they can’t figure out if they should become something more. “Can two friends sleep together and still love each other in the morning?” the tagline asks.
Billy Crystal’s character, Harry, isn’t dumb, but he certainly isn’t what you would call smart. Sally (played by Meg Ryan) on the other hand, is portrayed as a smart reasonable woman who’s only problem is that she is too uptight. Often in romantic comedies we find that the woman is the most sensible of the two, but the male has some desirable aspects as well, in this case Harry is more relaxed and calm. Lots of clever dialogue and discussion (typically involving the differences between the sexes) can be heard throughout films of the genre and When Harry Met Sally is no exception. The most famous example, of course, would be the discussion about faked female orgasms. Sally brings up the topic and enlightens the seemingly aloof Harry who never thought it could happen to him. This too fits in with the idea of the knowledgeable female aspect of the genre.
The main problem I have with this romantic comedy is that it is a romantic comedy. Romantic comedies in general just aren’t my cup of tea. Every once in awhile you will find an appealing film such as High Fidelity, but overall the movies don’t catch my interest. Also, the obligatory close friend that each character must have to talk to about the relationship is always pretty annoying. In When Harry Met Sally this is especially true. The characters aren’t developed at all and are hardly believable. The two extra friends are obviously just put there to “enhance” the main characters, but really, they just annoyed me.
I did, however, like Billy Crystal’s character and performance in the film, as I did with many of his other movies. Harry is so care free yet often straight-forward, it is hard not to like his character. A good example of this is the scene in which Harry tells Sally that they two people of different sexes can never be friends because the “sex gets in the way”, all the while Harry speaks as if he was talking about any mundane subject and doesn’t get nervous. I especially liked the humor that Crystal brought to the movie. He doesn’t always need to make jokes, sometimes his weird looking face and temperament are enough to qualify as humor.
Personally, I would not recommend this movie to any friends of mine. While it did have it’s moments, we must remember that it is in fact a romantic comedy in it’s purest form and therefore must be avoided at all costs. It had every cliché aspect of the genre and the same character traits that are used over and over again. It is possible, however, that I would recommend it to somebody who enjoys the genre, although this would not be a friend of mine because I typically try and steer of those type of people.

3 stars

Movie Review: Buffalo 66'

First off, the basis of this movie is factually incorrect. The story is of a guy who is mentally defunctional because of his parents who never cared about him. He was born in 1966 on the day the Buffalos football team won the superbowl. They haven't won since and the guy's mom, an extreme Buffalos fan, wishes she never had her son so she could have seen the game. The problem is that the year was actually 1967. Aside from that, this is actually a great movie. The main character, Billy, is a loner who cares about nobody but himself (which isn't all that much anyways). He goes around yelling at anyone in his way and eventually stumbles upon a girl played by Christina Ricci. Billy just got out of jail and his first order of business is to impress his parents with the amazing wife he claims to have. He then kidnaps Ricci and tells her to pretend he's her husband or he'll kill her. Ricci goes along with the whole thing rather willingly, seeing that Billy doesn't even have a weapon or really any way to force her to actually do anything. But for some reason, Chistina Ricci developes a crush on him after learning more about him.
It's really not a movie that sounds that good plot-wise, but for some reason it is great anyways. The seemingly random scenes and characters shot in great cinematography adds together for one good movie. In fact, you wouldn't know it from my description, but this movie has the coolest shooting scene ever. Oh yeah, did I mention Billy is at one point in debt to a bookie? Well, he is. I guess it's not that bad of a plot afterall seeing that I pretty much enjoy any movie in which somebody owes debt to a bookie.

Movie Review: Shadow of the Vampire

Upon making the film Nosferatu, director F.W. Murnau encountered various problems such as trivial things like people dying and other technical problems such as actor Max Shreck suddenly refusing to ride on a island-bound ship. Shadow of the Vampire is based upon such events and progressively blends facts with fantasy. I was actually expecting more from this film and was somewhat disapointed. When I first heard about the movie I became under the impression that it was a completely true story and simply reinacted the events. Actually, the film takes the basis of true events and adds in many things that never really happened. This disappointed me because I wanted an accurate depiction of the filming of Nosferatu and not a fictional account. Unfortunately, we are left without knowing what really did happen and what did not.
3 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Chicago

Chicago (2002) is a dramatic musical set in the heart of Chicago's golden age of Jazz. Director Rob Marshal summunded a terrific cast to present the somewhat cationary tale of show business and the kinks in the American judicial system. The film includes many memorable scenes and dance numbers metaphorically illustrating various problems Chicago's characters encounter.
The movie begins with the two main characters in the same scene, but they have yet to meet each other. Roxie Hart (Renee Zelwigger) is a typical housewife but dreams of a life of fame on broadway. Hart idolizes the infamous show girl, Velma Kelly (Catherine Zeta Jones), who seems to have it all. This style of contrasting juxtaposition is used throughout the film to add to the character of the plot. Later the press takes a liking to the incarcerated Hart and we see these roles reversed as Kelly (also in residing in jail) becomes the one begging for the spotlight.
One scene in the movie introduces us to a handfull of female prisoners that have all murdered a husband of theirs. The dance routine combined with the cinematography of Dion Beebe made for an outstanding performance, but unfortunately took away from the story itself Aside from this scene, all the songs in Chicago directly relate to the main characters and their reactions to events in the plot.This particular scene lacked these qualities and only established what was already known.
I especially liked the scene in which the courtroom turned into a literal circus. Lawyer Billy Flyn (Richard Gere) understands that you have to make a big show to woo the "audience" (jury). Flyn also realizes the importance of the media as an instrument to win the hearts of the public, and thus, the judge and jury. Also featuring Flyn was a great scene in which he became a puppetier of the media while controlling a Roxie Hart "dummy" on his lap. This accurately demonstrated how an expensive lawyer can manipulate the workings of the system.
All in all, Chicago was a very well made musical. I was expecting a more dissappointing experience, as I typically do not like the musical genre. The film was visually entertaining and was topped off by the social comentary, which was right on the money, if you catch my drift.

Freedom Oil

I just heard on the news that Iraqi insurgents have blown up an oil pipeline. I can only imagine that it was a pipeline carrying freedom because we all know that the only reason any insurgents do anything is because they hate freedom so much.

Movie Review: Miller's Crossing

Tom Reagan (Gabriel Byrnes) finds himself in an awkward position as an advisor to the big crime boss of the town known as Leo. Leo is at war with Casper, who is vying for control of the town and is upset over a bookie who cheated him. The bookie (John Turturro) happens to be somewhat of one of Tom's friends. There is a very complicated conflict that starts arising as many different parties begin getting involved in this somewhat trivial situation. Friends are turned on, lies are said, people are tricked, and amist it all, John Turturro plays a great portrayal of a nervous little nobody caught in the center of the action.
3 1/2 stars

Movie Review: La Jetee (short)

The 1966 film, La Jetee, is different from just about any movie you know of, yet it influenced a great handful of films you most likely have seen. It is not a "movie" in the typical sense of the word. It is actually comprised solely of still black and white photographs with narration as the only audio (I have read that there is actually one scene in which one of the people lightly blinks an eye, but I did not catch this). It only runs about 20 minutes or so, but still manages to tell the strange tale of a post-apocalyptic earth in which scientists have begun to research time-travel using the (unwilling) subjects' memories. A partial list of films influenced would be: Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, the Terminator, the Matrix and the most noted example, 12 Monkeys. If you want to see a pretty interesting short film, I would suggest you check it out.
4 stars

Movie Review: Little Match Girl (short)

Little Match Girl is a short film made in France in 1937. It's a silent film about a girl trying to sell matches out in the cold snowy street at night. She can't manage to get any sales and she doesn't want to go home having made no money for the night, so she lies down in the snow and tries to sleep. Of course, it's pretty damn cold trying to sleep in the snow so she decides to light one of her matches... which doesn't help the situation all that much. Her hunger starts taking it's toll now and she begins to see things. She imagines being in a toy store and all the toys coming to life. Later a prince takes her for a ride as death rides after her (on a surprising vibrant looking horse, unlike the pale horse I would have expected). Will she out run death? Watch and see.
3 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Nosferatu

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror was not horrifying, nor did it have a symphony. But what can you expect from a remastered 1920s horror movie? It would be nice to hear whatever the oringinal "score" was to the film, but I'll put up with the modern soundtrack (although it was a bit cheesy at times). I thought the movie was pretty interesting and the vampire, Nosferatu, was actually a pretty creepy looking guy. The plot itself was pretty weak, the earlier German film The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari had a much more interesting plot (plus Caligari didn't completely rip off Bram Stoker's Dracula). Nevertheless, Nosferatu is a classic for a reason: it is interesting to see and overall pretty weird.
4 stars