So the other day I was eating at Dions with Luis. It was a typical Friday night. You know. So there is this group of 3 girls at the booth behind me and one of them leaned over and said "Hey. We are from out of town, what is there to do around here?" (This is when I realized there really isn't anything to do in this city... but that is besides the point.) We told em the typical stuff, like going to movies, eating, and they asked if we had laser tag here. Yes we do have laser tag. Anyways there were some highlights of the 45 minute or so conversation we had with these girls that I would like to share with you. What follows is a highly accurate recreation of various moments of the night......
Britany (I remember that name for some reason): So what do you guys normally do?
Grayson: Well, we typically eat Dions and then go to that porn store down the street.
Vivian (at least she looked like somebody who could be named Vivian): Really?? You guys always do this?
Luis: Yes...
Grayson: Almost every night.
Vivian: Jeez.
Jane (this girl I don't remember her name either, nor did she look like a 'Jane', but oh well): Why do you have so many porn stores in this city?
Vivian: Yeah, we saw like 5 just on this one street (points to Central).
Grayson: Well, Albuquerque is actually the porn capital of the US.
Jane: Seriously?
Grayson and Luis: Yeah.
Vivian: I think they are lying, you guys have probably been lying all night.
Britany: I think he's serious.
Grayson: I am serious.
Vivian: So do you two go to the porn store.... together... ? (giggles)
Grayson and Luis: uh... yes
Vivian: (giggling) do you guys like...... masturbate together?
Grayson: No, I don't think so.
Britany: There is this kid at our school who masturbated during class.
Jane: Yeah under the desk... Guys do that all the time at our school, it's gross. Does that go on at your school?
Grayson: Actually, no, our school prides itself on having no record of masturbation within it's grounds.
(At this point a cop sitting at the OTHER booth next to us looks over and joins in the conversation)
Cop: (looking at me) What school do you go to?
Grayson: Highland, right there. (points to highland)
Cop: Ah.... There was this guy a couple of days ago. He had the blinds to the front window of his house all the way open and stood there completely in the nude when the mail lady came by. (Cop proceds to make masturbation gestures and even a 'squirting' type sound)
I happened to think this was pretty funny. I'd never seen a cop make masturbation gestures before.
LATER ON....
Vivian: Earlier tonight, we were right near an escaped convict an we didn't even know it!
Luis: What do you mean?
Jane: We were at *Taco Village* in *Rat* county (I made these names up. I can't remember what county (it was in NM) they were in nor what restrurant) and the police came in asking the people who worked there about a guy who was standing right next to us earlier, but he had left by now. The police were like 'Have you seen a guy that looked like so and so...... he's an escaped convict. Do you know where he went?'
Britany: Yeah, it was crazy. Then when we left we kept seeing all these signs like "Do Not Pick Up Hitch-Hikers".
Grayson: Well in *Rat* county they use the honor system.
Vivian: The "honor system"?
Grayson: Yeah, like the prisoners can leave whenever they want to, but they aren't supposed to wander off to far or run away.
Vivian: That's crazy! That's the worst system ever!
Grayson: Well they are pretty liberal in *Rat* county. They don't want the prisoners to feel all caged up or anything. Besides, they have police that patrol the area around the penitentury sometimes.
Jane: Sometimes..?
Vivian: I think he's lying.
Luis: He's not lying. They've always used the honor system over there.
Grayson. Yeah.
Jane: I think they are telling the truth.
At one point, I tried telling them that we had a part of town in which the streets were named after various Batman villans. But apparently Luis already told them about my idea for making street names like that and when I told them that they said "You're friend already told us that that was an idea you had. They aren't real streets like that at all!" So I looked at Luis and said "I didn't tell you I made up the street names, I told you that I read in the newspaper that they named some streets that." Then Luis says "Oh yeah, it was from a newspaper, he's right. They are real streets." But unfortuneately they didn't believe us. I think they believed a lot of stuff we said, but that one was plainly a lie. I must have been daydreaming or something when Luis told them about my Batman villan streets idea, because I really don't remember him telling them.
Another cool aspect of meeting people that don't know anything about your town is that you can teach them all kinds of "slang" that "we use here." Luis told them that a term often used is "masturbation fueled car", and they said they hadn't heard of it before. I hadn't heard of it before either, so I couldn't help laughing a little bit, but I dont think they noticed. Luis continued, "Yeah, like if somebody gets somewhere really fast, you say 'How did you get here so fast, did you use a masturbation-fueled car?' " One of the girls laughed and said that she would start using that term. I took the opportunity to try and get them to start using a slang word that I invented years ago: Lump-Core. For those of you not familiar with the term, lumpcore is a type of music. Music that is popular is of course called "mainstream" and music nobody has heard of is called "underground." Well lumpcore is the type of music that most people aren't that familiar with and they aren't on the radio, but still a lot of people actually know who they are. A perfect example would be 'Less Than Jake'. Most people don't know who they are, but a lot of people do. They actually are played on the radio sometimes, but so rarely that most people aren't familiar with them. Thus, Less Than Jake is lumpcore. The word "lumpcore" stems from the idea of a flat surface, or "ground", as in "underground." Now, being "above ground" would make a band considered "mainstream" and "underground" being, little known. Well imagine a band as a lump in the ground pushing its way up, but not quite making it above ground into the mainstream. Yet many people can still see the lump in the ground, all though it isn't as obvious as a band that is fully above ground. And that is "lumpcore." I hope you use this term and spread it. And I hope you remember the word's humble roots (me) when it becomes a household term.
Speaking of terms. I invented another term the other day. As you may know, I often (Sunday nights from 11pm-1am) listen to an internet radio program in Portland called "Trojan Meltdown." They play "underground" music from the North West. Pretty much the only reason I listen to it is because my friend Jason is one of the main DJs on it (aka Dr. Madness). Since I don't live in Portland, I have to listen to the station via internet... and it is convienient because you can Instant Message the DJs while the show is playing by IMing the screenname "TrojanMeltdown" (if you remember my earlier post about how I guessed the name of one of the bands and would have won tickets but was denied tickets because I don't live in Portland). You can call them up like a normal station, but you can IM them as well. I take an interest in IMing them because Jason often talks about some of the things I say on the air. I get my kicks this way...... Yes. This is my life.... Anyways, last week Jason was the only DJ and kept using the term "double header." I've never heard of this term before and he was surprised when I IMed him and asked him what it meant. As I assumed, it is used when you play two songs of the same band back to back. I told him they should make a term for when they play 3 songs in a row. He told me to make one up. And with this ardous task layed before me, I did not disappoint him. The term? "Triple Blastoff". So from then on he kept referring to the "Triple Blastoff" he was playing, or was about to play and what not. My favorite aspect of this is that he didn't ever tell the audience what the term meant, he just started using it. I think that term will get pretty popular as well and used on radiostations throughout the world. And when this term grows big, as it surely will, you can tell people that you once knew the guy who invented it.
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