Movie Review: 11'09''01

11'09''01 (eleven hours, nine minutes and one second) is a collection of short films about September 11th. It is composed of 11 films by 11 directors each from a different country and a "different viewpoint." You may be wondering "why isn't it called 9'11"01?", well I'll tell you you dumb American. The rest of the world dates days with the day before the month. Example: 11th September. It kind of makes more sense that way too, sense it's the smallest time to the largest; day, month, year. Anyways, the reason I'm talking about differnet ways of dating things instead of focusing on the movie is, well, because theres not much to talk about. It was a boring movie. Just about all the short films were just different people doing normal everyday stuff and then they find out about 9/11 and "think about it" a little bit. And that's really all there is.
2 stars

Big Movie Week

I've watched at least a dozen movies this week, making it hard to keep up with all the obligatory reviews. To make it easier on myself to remember what I have left to review (and for you to look forward to), I will make a list:
The Take (new)
Miller's Crossing
Blue Velvet
La Jetee (short)
Little Match Girl (short)
September 11
Tombstone

Movie Review: Million Dollar Baby

Clint Eastwood's latest movie, Million Dollar Baby, is up for a great bunch of award nominations and is surely bound to win a few. It's a film about a female boxer and a famous trainer (Eastwood) who is reluctant to train her simply because she is a girl. It sounds like an over used formula that wouldn't be of much entertainment, but Eastwood actually turned it into a great film. The plot could have been one as simple as that, but there are a lot of extra dynamics added to the mix such as the wise training gym janitor (Morgan Freeman) who used to be a pro boxer himself. The lighting and overall "color" of the film really made it stand out giving the movie a dark and moody atmosphere on top of the emotional plotline of the story itself.
4 stars

Movie Review: Permanent Midnight

Ben Stiller stars in his most crack smoking role in this dark comedy about the life of a drug addicted tv show writer. Permanent Midnight is packed with other stars such as Owen Wilson, Elizabeth Hurley, Janeane Garofalo and Peter Greene. Stiller is famous for his embarassing bathroom scenes and this movie has a couple of them. One involving shooting herion in a bathroom and another one involving shooting his blood on the ceiling after shooting herion in his veins. In one scene he actually runs out of the bathroom in some type of halucinagenic freakout in which he sees a tv show puppet make fun of him. If you are down with seeing Stiller shoot up with a baby or smoke crack and then throw his body against the window of a twenty-something story building for kicks, then this is the movie for you.
3 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Urbania

Urbania is a really.... different... kind of story. It's the story of a guy who just goes around hearing about urban ledgends and telling people stories. Actually, he only does this here and there. It also follows his relationships with other men, as he is afterall a gay man himself. It has some really good scenes and good directing. It's funny, has an intriguing plot. What else do you need?
4 stars

Vital Information For Your Everyday Life

Check out this HIGHLY FACTUAL website I found. It reveals the truth about how Kerry is a communist and how arab Muslims are nazis! Who would have guessed?

Jewish Task Force: "The REAL NEWS, Never Seen In The Liberal Media or Any Other Source!"

....when news isn't seen in any other source, you know it's highly factual.

Movie Review: On The Waterfront

I think that the only reason this movie is a "classic" is because it's pretty old and it has Marlon Brando in it. The tale is of a small town in which gangsters run the only real form of employment because they control the water front. One of the younger (Marlon Brando) gangsters falls for the daughter of a preacher and starts thinking maybe he should leave the gangster life behind. It's really pretty boring. The movie just didn't strike me as having that good of a plot or even good directing. The infamous scene where the daughter drops her glove and Marlon Brando puts in on was completely improvised, so really the most famous scene happened by chance. I don't recommend this movie.
2 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Deliverance

First off, let me warn you that if you rent this movie on VHS you will be pretty confused. This is because the movie begins by talking about how the movie was made. So for awhile my friends and I thought that it was a movie about the trouble some characters had trying to film a movie on this southern river. Eventually it turned out that this was NOT the actually movie. We found out only when the real movie came on.... or so we thought. The next "real movie" turned out to be just a really long trailer for the real movie. Then FINALLY the movie came on.
The film begins kind of slow, but leaves you wondering what is going to happen as the characters head out on a canoeing river in a hillbilly county. One of the characters whips out his guitar while they are talking to some local people and then all of a sudden this kid with a deformed face starts playing the banjo along with him. That is really the best way to start any movie in my opinion. I knew I was in for something good.
The rest of the movie follows the characters as they ride the harsh rapids of the unnamed river (in fact 31 people died trying to ride the river a year after the movie came out). They encounter problems with local hillbillies that live in the forests surrounding the river. And when I say problems, I mean really bad problems. This makes for some pretty quality entertainment and a very original movie.
4 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Time Bandits

Time Bandits is the tale of a group of midgets that have stolen a map from God. The map is one that shows all the different time portals, where they are, when they are and where you will end up when you go in them. The midget bandits decided to steal the map and go throughout history stealing gold, paintings and other objects of wealth from different periods throughout time. One of the time portals takes them into a child's room. The child follows them and goes with them on the adventure. As you can already tell, this is more or less a children's movie. Children would enjoy it, but so would older folk as it is reminescent of Monty Python (Terry Gilliam, director of Time Bandits, used to work on Monty Python). I thought it was entertaining for the most part and well made, but not as good as I had expected it to be.
3 1/2 stars

Larry Clark, Gus Van Sant

Here is an interesting article partly about how "Kids" came about.
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1285/is_n7_v25/ai_17249090/pg_3

Grayson Wins Radio Contest!

My friend Jason has a radio show in portland where they play underground music from the north west. They take phone calls and AIM messages so I aimed the show.... and I won tickets for guessing what band was playing!.......... at least I WOULD HAVE if I lived in Portland. Doh!
The show plays on Sunday nights from 11pm-1am. You can listen on the computer at www.kpsu.org


the conversation:
23:23:38 trojanmeltdown: the live band is just starting they are super weird

(a live band plays that IS super weird at this point)

23:23:41 punkorastropunk: is this pre recorded
23:23:51 trojanmeltdown: nope live nigga!
23:40:36 punkorastropunk: you seriously need to take those instruments back from those lab monkeys. it sounds like they are on the verge of breaking them
23:46:55 trojanmeltdown: that last tune was fucking sweet I thought.
23:47:19 trojanmeltdown: There's a computer rigged to the dj equipment
23:47:26 punkorastropunk: i guess i haven't gotten that underground yet

(then a new song is played)

23:47:34 punkorastropunk: this sounds like deer hoof
23:47:46 punkorastropunk: am i right nigga?
23:48:07 trojanmeltdown: if you were ;local I would give you tons of tickets
23:48:32 punkorastropunk: hey, is it deer hoof we are listening to?
23:48:40 trojanmeltdown: yeah
23:48:46 trojanmeltdown: that's why you would win tickets
23:48:54 punkorastropunk: for guessing it correctly?
23:49:02 trojanmeltdown: yeah
23:49:09 punkorastropunk: damn it!

Movie Review: Amores Perros

Before 21 Grams, Alejandro González Iñárritu directed his first film, Amores Perros. I think most people would agree that it is the best between the two. Like 21 Grams, the story is one that takes different seemingly unconnected lives and connects them. In this case it is a car crash that links the different stories together. Another aspect that links the three stories together is dog blood. Yes, all three stories have dog blood in them. Typically, lots of dog blood. As you may guess, this is the result of dogs being injured or killed in the story; this movie isn't for the squimish animal lover. I thought that the Spanish title might have translated to "dog blood" in English. Actually, the title means "Love is a Bitch", but I am not sure if "bitch" can mean "female dog" in Spanish like it does in English. Anyways, it is a good movie by an aspiring director. The cinematography was top notch as well as the dog killings. Which, as you may already know, are two of the most important aspects of modern cinema today.
4 stars

Movie Review: Modern Times

Modern Times is Charlie Chaplin's first film since the invention of a "talking movie" was invented. The thing is that Chaplin didn't think that he would be as funny in a movie with sound, so he more or less kept it a "silent movie". The dialog is still done with dialog cards and a score (written by Chaplin himself) permeates the movie, as with most silent films. Occasionally in the film there is sound effects of levers being pulled and things of that nature. There are even scenes in which actors actually talk, but these moments are limited to scenes of faces on TV screens doing the talking. This adds to the effect of the film, which is the decentralization of the individual in the modern industrial era.
The film focuses on the tramp character, played by Chaplin, who can't do anything right. He is always fired from his jobs and is constantly thrown in prison for various things. Eventually he meets a young woman (whom his real wife plays in the movie) who steals bread to feed her sisters. They fall in love and try to make it in the real world.
Modern Times was called anti-American and Chaplin was even called a Communist (which he denied of course). I assume it was called these things because the movie challenged and made fun of the capitalist way of life and how it doesn't work out for most people. The film is very funny and Chalin managed to hit the nail right on the head as far as his critique of industrialization goes.
4 1/2 stars

Movie Review: 39 Steps

39 Steps is the classic Hitchcock film of 1935. It is relatively short in length, but gets to the point within it's timeframe. The plot is of a spy-variety in which a unsuspecting man ends up with the obligation of finding out about a secret group called the "39 Steps" and protecting Britain's confidential files that have gotten out. Nobody believes his story and on top of that, he is wanted for the murder of a woman he didn't kill. That is essentially the basis of the plot. What I find even more important, however, is the fact that only last night I watched Dinner Rush in which one of the characters, the bartend, has memorized just about every fact and has people ask him questions for bet money. People ask things like "what year was the printing press invented?" and he'll answer the year and who it was. The customers are impressed and they keep asking him harder questions but he knows them all somehow. I think this is strange because the following day, today, I watched the 39 Steps which opens up with a scene of a crowd watching the act of "Mr. Memory" who has memorized millions of facts for the audience to be amazed by. The audience asks various questions such as what year a certain derby was won and Mr. Memory will answer the year, as well as the score and the competitors. Strange movie coincidence.

Movie Review: Dinner Rush

Mediocre film. Jesse Traub liked it, but I think that's just because he likes anything played at Teluride (sp?). Anyways, this movie takes place intirely within a restruant (and occasionally the street in front of the restruant), which might seem interesting. It's not. The problem with this movie is that it went on and on and there wasn't all that much of a plot. At least there was a "twist ending", which catches you off gaurd for like 2 seconds before you start yawning again. It seems that the movie script/plot was thrown together randomly. Not much happens and there are a bunch of scenes that don't even help the film in any way. Busy Italian restruant. Former mob-boss owns the place while some rival gangsters eat there. There is tension... not really, actually. It's just a mediocre movie, what else can I say.
2 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Bowling For Columbine

I have seen this movie many times and saw it once again in my film criticism class. I wrote the following paper on it. Enjoy.....

Bowling For Columbine (released in 2002) is Michael Moore's fourth film and argueably his best. Moore's debut full length documentary, Roger & Me, was a breakthrough for Moore and the genre. Moore's follow up film, The Big One, pushed the amount of political humor even further than his last documentary in a way reminescent of Robert Downey Jr's The Last Party. None of these films, however, hit America quite as hard as Bowling For Columbine.
Depending on who you ask, the purpose of the film varies. I believe that Moore didn't intend to make a movie with a clear purpose (such as his later Fahreinheit 911) that the audience can strongly feel for. He simply stuck to a theme and let his viewers interpret it on their own. The theme? Guns and fear in America. The vagueness of the overall solution (or even problem) was quite a switch from Barry Glassner's "Culture of Fear", from which Moore largely took the basis of his theme. Glassner focused on a broad array of American fears while Moore decided to focus primarily on guns. "Culture of Fear" had an obvious antagonist: the mainstream media. Bowling For Columbine only hinted at this. Forcing the audience to contemplate a rarely thought of social problem without giving them a definate answer is the best route Moore could have taken to get America's collective brain ticking.
However, the movie doesn't go without faults. I found the "short history of America" out of place and somewhat annoying. Not to mention it's over-simplification and inaccuracies. Which brings me to the subject of the movie's bias. In any documentary you will find a clear bias, but typically the film should try and address the other side's views (even if it's only to rebuke them). True, Moore did interview the producer of "Cops" and a bewildered Charleton Heston, but overall I felt that the movie lacked enough of the "debate" aspect.
Putting aside the movie's minor flaws we can focus on some of the more sucessfull scenes the movie carried. My personal favorite was the montage of America's less popularized (to say the least) legacy of horrific clandestine operations from the assasination and overthrow of Chile's democratically elected president to the havoc created by the Contras of Nicuragua. Another big winner was the opening scene in which Moore recieves a free rifle... from a bank.
Bowling For Columbine recieved much acclaim. And it deserved it. Moore's humor and ideas articulate onto the screen to create a truely rewarding viewing. This is a movie that everyone should see.
Four 1/2 stars.

Handwriting Conversation

(8:38) Grayson: i ordered this used book by edward bellamy that i got today and inside it has one of those little things people sometimees write in books
like "to john, the dog that never quit"
but mine didnt say that

(8:39) stonepauper: shit man
what a ripoff

(8:39) Grayson: i think i'll have to write that as an inscription if i ever sell a book
i'll tell you what mine DID say

(8:39) stonepauper: okay, but it's just going to be a disappointment
well...
what did it say?

(8:41) Grayson: "sept 30th, 1897 - Wishing you many returns for the day - from - Mrs. F. E. Winning"

(8:41) stonepauper: sweet

(8:42) Grayson: the hangwriting is all perfect
it looks like a stamp almost
hand*
not hangwriting. thats the extreme sport where people write letters while hanggliding

(8:43) stonepauper: well when you're that old, it's easy to perfect your handwritting

(8:43) Grayson: and then they turn them into little paper airplanes and pass them back and forth to eachother in the air

(8:43) stonepauper: i mean come on, that's the 19th century

(8:43) Grayson: how does that show how old they were?
you mean old school?
yeah the 19th century was pretty old school
i think they shot you if you didn't write really well

(8:44) stonepauper: no man, 1897, they'd have to be at least like 100 and 8 years of age
by now that is

(8:44) Grayson: dude that makes no sense
they signed it in 1897
they didn't sign it today

(8:44) stonepauper: someone that old now, they probably had the same kind of old age thing going back then too

(8:45) Grayson: does your joke actually make sense?
i just dont see it coming together

(8:45) stonepauper: good handwriting is no joke man

(8:45) Grayson: i know that thats not what i meant
GOD thats not what i meant!

(8:45) stonepauper: well being really old is no joke either

(8:45) Grayson: yes it is

(8:45) stonepauper: that's just rude man, rude to the olderly

(8:46) Grayson: thats not how you spell it
if there are multiple old people, its "elderli"

(8:46) stonepauper: they're not eld, they're old
you're thinking of something different

Movie Review: City of God

City of God is one of the best movies I've ever seen. It is beautifully shot in interesting ways and the plot definately maintains one's interest. I thought that Requiem For A Dream had spectacular cinematography, but City of God is right up there with it. The story is told from the point of view of a teenager growing up in a chaotic city in Brazil. He watches friends and family get caught up in the gangs and violence and drugs while trying to take more of a benign path: photography. The story follows the city and the ups and downs of it's various gangs and their history. It is a "king of the hill" battle to the top to be the "boss" of the city of God. The more determined a member gets to get to the top, the more violence is added to the war. In some scenes City of God is reminiscent of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells", but without the humor. Perhaps that is one reason why I liked it so well.
5 stars!

Mirror Car

Luis was driving me home this afternoon and as we crossed a one-way street (Coal) we noticed another light blue volvo driving exactly parallel to us a block up the street on our left. The two cars sync'd up as if we were looking into a mirror of the car we were in! So I told Luis that we had to do it again at the next street, which also was a one-way (Lead). We came up to the stop sign and looked to the left and saw the blue car at his stop sign. The blue car started going, so Luis started driving again to match up with him, but unfortunately there was a wave of cars on the one-way coming at us from the right! So he quickly put it in reverse and backed up in time. The other blue car got away and we couldn't do the mirror thing again. The question I have is: if Luis didn't stop and back up and we did get hit by the cars to our right and we were killed, would the mirror car's driver to the left get killed too?

Movie Review: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

The infamous silent film of the 1920s, Dr. Caligari is often referred to as the "first ('modern') horror movie." This can be debated, but what is not usually debated is that it the quintesential film of German expressionism. Metropolis is another fine example of the genre. In Dr. Caligari, there isn't much cinematography to speak of. By this I mean that the camera pretty much is limited to one angle per scene and panning is absent. The film, however, is so interesting that you will hardly notice this minor characteristic.
The restored edition switches from black and yellow to black and green, depending on the mood of a given scene. In one scene, a character flips off the light and the color changes. The grainy, choppy film jumping along gives the movie a much creepier feel to it. It also adds to the effect of the movie when you think about how everybody involved in the film is dead by now. All this on top of the "spooky" plot itself, which I will not give away.
Although not to the extent of Metropolis, Dr. Caligari also takes the art deco set production to the extreme... with a "Nightmare Before Christmas" reminescent twist to it.
I highly recommend this classic film.
4 1/2 stars

No More MIDI

I hate websites that have little MIDI soundbyte songs that start playing when you go to them. For the last few months my blog has been a site of such variety. The MIDI song is still there on the left, but it is now optional; it won't start playing unless you click play on your own. So now you don't have to hear songs that you don't like anymore, but you can still play everybody's favorite game "Name That Tune!" if you are inclined. The best of both worlds. I will switch the song up everyonce in awhile, so check it if you please.

Movie Review: Withnail & I

Withnail & I is a great movie about two English guys who take a holiday in a cottage in the London countryside during the late 60s. That is pretty much the basis of the plot, but somehow writer/director Bruce Robinson did amazing things with it. It is halarious at times and just fun to watch in general. Much drinking occurs as well as some usage of various other drugs on their adventure. Although an asshole, Withnail is a completely interesting character on the screen. I definately recommend this movie.
4 1/2 stars

Movie Review: Irreversible

Talk about a 15 minute long rape scene. I read some reviews for this movie and they said that they had to look away at some parts... but I didn't find it that graphic. I mean, it's no worse than a legnthed scene of Kevin Smith's Vulgar. It probably wasn't the rape that made these people look away; it could easily have been the unforgiving brutality of a scene where a man gets his head bashed in with a fire extinguisher in a gay sex club. Although, I just happened to find that scene really cool. Nobody does stuff that graphic in movies. It's unfortunate really. The directing and cinematography in this movie was really good, it is unfortunate that the plot had to be so thin. I really liked the cinematography at the beggining especially and I also liked how backwards the movie was. The movie starts at the last scene and then backs up a scene and then again, etc. Until you get to the shocking ending. I won't tell you what it is, but I will tell you that it involves kids playing in the sprinklers. Actually, that is about the whole scene. I just gave away the last scene. Sorry. But it doesn't really matter because it is really like the first scene. See how clever they did that?
3 1/2 stars

[message from the future-1/14/05: The day after I saw this movie I asked Jessie Traub "hey have you seen a french movie called "Irreversible", to which he replied "yes." I then said "Talk about a 15 minute long rape scene!" and he said, "actually it was only 9 minutes." How the hell does that kid memorize so much about movies? I ask you!]

Conservatives Flunk In English

Often I see bumper stickers on SUVs that read "freedom isn't free." What?? People with such bumper stickers seriously need to brush up on their vocabulary. They've got their grammer down, but their word usage isn't quite up to par. I can only assume that they meant to say "this hummer wasn't free" (or something along those lines). I blame these "freedom isn't free" stickers on one thing and one thing only: HORRIBLE SPELLING. I mean, to write "f-r-e-e-d-o-m" instead of "t-h-i-s h-u-m-m-e-r" is not only a terrible spelling error gone ary, it forms a blatent contradictorary sentance: to say "FREEDOM isn't free" requires completely ignoring what the word actually means. Reading these bumper stickers gives me the impression that we (as U.S. citizens) have a duty to "repay" the country for our freedom by serving it by means of fighting. This seriously contradicts the actual definition of the word.
To save you the time of thumbing through your own, I'll give you some examples of what the dictionaries have to say: The American Herritage Dictionary describes freedom as "exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition" and "exemption from the arbitrary exercise of authority in the performance of a specific action." The Merriam Webster's Dictionary of Law describes freedom as "the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action" and the good folks at Princeton University consider freedom to be "immunity from an obligation or duty." DAMN! Those conservatives must feel like idiots driving around with those stickers! I bet a few of them later stumbled upon the definition of the word eventually and frantically tried to peel the sticker off of their precious H2 model Hummer to save themselves further embarrasment. But have you ever tried to take one of those stickers off?? You can't! It's impossible! And if you do somehow manage getting one off, the sticker rips some of the paint off with it and knocks down your vehicle's value by about 60%! You know, in a way I feel bad for these people that are literally stuck with these stickers on their cars. But still, there are many that still believe that their bumper sticker actually does make some sort of sense. These people just haven't learned any better.
So next time when you see one of those poor souls driving thier Hummer up a steep rocky cliff, or hauling large pieces of wood across the coldest depths of the artic, or driving all terrian across the dessert or performing any of the common functions SUV owners are known for taking advantage of, don't get mad and don't make fun of their sticker. It isn't their fault they don't understand. Just hand them a dictionary and they'll learn from their mistakes on their own.

Movie Review: Dawn of the Dead

The famous quote from this movie is "when hell is full, the dead will walk the earth." Which sounds cool when you say it, but it doesn't fit in with this movie at all. In George A. Romero's trio, starting with Night of the Living Dead, humans turn into zombies when they are bitten by other zombies. It makes no different if you are a good human or a bad human, you are still going to turn into a zombie. Little kids with baseball gloves still on stumble around as zombies in this movie. So clearly hell being full has nothing to do with anything. And another thing, why were there kids still playing baseball in the middle of a zombie epidemic anyways?? It's practically the apocalypse and they go outdoors and have a baseball game. According to the Darwinist theory of survival of the fittest, I guess it's a good thing that kids that stupid are dead and can't reproduce their crazy baseball loving genes.
I definately appretiated the scene with the rednecks. They had a field day with these zombies everywhere. When else are they encouraged to just go around shooting things, especially people?? They had a big keg and a bunch of beers and had this big zombie hunting redneck picnic.
Another scene that I liked was when the biker with the sombrero kept trying to get a blood pressure test for some reason. Once again, doing something really mundane and random while you are obviously surrounded by zombies. But it did allow the movie to have that cool close up of the guy's arm still getting its blood pressure tested... after his body had been ripped away from it! That's the kind of cheesy horror movie moment that we all love to see.

Movie Review: Footloose

Sometimes when I get really really angry, I drive into an abandoned warehouse, slam the car door and dance, DANCE the night away! It doesn't matter if there is no music at all. It doesn't matter if I'm all alone running around like an idiot... If that description sounds like what you look for in a main character, then you probably would like Footloose. Or if you are just a female. For some reason girls like this movie. Plot? I'll give you a plot: Dancing is illegal, it is upto the kids to make the adults realize that dancing shouldn't be banned. Kevin Bacon stars as the rebel dancer. That's about it. I think I summed up the whole movie. There really isn't anything left to say.
1 1/2 stars

Movie Review: IF...

Malcom Macdowell! The man famous for being terrified of eyedrops!... actually he isn't, although it is true that he's scared of eyedrops. He's famous for being the star of A Clockwork Orange! Actually he isn't famous for it either, but this he WAS the star of it. Which brings me to my next point. Another thing he wasn't famous for was being the main character of "If...", which I happened to watch the other day. It is the story of a british boarding school and how boring it is. That is pretty much the bulk of the plot. Towards the end him and his friends start getting into trouble and have an idea. This is where the "If..." comes about. I won't tell you what happens, but something DOES happen! So you should be able to get through the movie if you just keep remembering that something WILL indeed happen. But I can't tell you what it is...
3 stars

[message from the future: I just realized that I already reviewed this movie and forgot about it]

Movie Review: May

May is a movie about what COULD have become of Melissa Joan Hart if she was forced to wear an eye patch as a child. Just like Joan Hart, the main character in this movie has a lazy eye. Her parents don't love her because of it and she ends up emotionally deprived. Her only friend is a doll that her mom made when she was young. Eventually May starts showing her craziness in her teen years and her only friend is that one doll. She works at an animal clinic and helps with operations and things like that. Also, she spends a lot of her time sewing. The movie has lines like "if don't have a friend, make one." In fact, it is the tagline. So it's NOT much of a surprise when she eventually tries to construct a friend out of human body parts sewn together. It's like a teenage frankenstien... except that she is satisfied even if it's just a lifeless body that doesn't do anything. I think I can safely say that this is by far my favorite movie that features a main character being attacked by blind children. It's an entertaining movie. I'd recommend it.
3 1/2 stars... maybe more

The Cantaloupe Chronicles

You are about to read 3 TRUE stories (conversations) that all revolve around one thing.... Cantaloupe. Three sepererate acounts of conversations with people. You may cry, you may laugh, you may even waste your time reading it, but rest assured, the surprise ending ties it all together.



(1:13) Grayson: how do you spell cantalope
(1:17) stonepauper: uhh
i dunno
cantelope
(1:17) Grayson: cantel-NOPE
ohhh i figured it out
it was just one of those words that was actually spelled right, but it underlined it because it wasn't capitalized
so Cantalope is right, but not "cantalope"
(1:19) stonepauper: oh
(1:25) Grayson: this is the BEST webpage ive ever seen
i mean, just this one page
(1:26) stonepauper: linkt it up
(1:26) Grayson: its like what the internet was MADE for
http://home.t-online.de/home/toni.goeller/idiom_wm/id630.htm
its like a guide to life practically
it explains DNA
economics and sales
cooking
everything you need to know
(1:27) stonepauper: sweet
(1:28) Grayson: have you seen movern callar? the answer when i return

.....................i left for a few minutes here...............

(1:34) Grayson: damn it! you are supposed to answer
so i can see the answer when i return
(1:34) stonepauper: i thought you were going to answer
(1:34) Grayson: no! YOU answer
its like with tv
(1:34) stonepauper: yeah but you narrated it
(1:35) Grayson: i know, but its hard to make you ask yourself that question without making you confused
i thought i might be able to pull it off like i did
(1:36) stonepauper: true
(1:47) Grayson: hey dude, check out the slang they use for "dildo"
http://home.t-online.de/home/toni.goeller/idiom_wm/id11.htm
(1:48) stonepauper: ?
(1:48) Grayson: did you go to it
(1:48) stonepauper: yes
(1:48) Grayson: its not really slang at all. they just use it as a word
but i do like the conversation they used for an example
"oh thats interesting"
(1:49) stonepauper: yeah
(1:49) Grayson: i bet that guy felt really awkward
i mean, what do you say to that kind of thing?
he might have taken it as a hint that she wanted to have sex with him
you know like "i have to use THIS stupid thing when my husband is gone"
i mean, why else would she bring it up?
(1:50) stonepauper: how do you know she's talking to a dude/
(1:50) Grayson: why would she want to have sex with a WOMAN?
you and your fantacies man




01:16:56 punkorastropunk: how do you spell cantalope
01:17:03 punkorastropunk: i cant do it. and it is imperative that i find out
01:17:11 snickerspunk: Nice eh. I still owe you a buy
01:17:18 punkorastropunk: i am in a dire cantalope spelling situation
01:18:20 snickerspunk: Ill look it up
01:18:59 snickerspunk: Cantaloupe
01:19:45 punkorastropunk: wow, that word really threw me for a CANTA-loupe
01:19:48 punkorastropunk: if you know what i mean
01:20:12 snickerspunk: cantaloupe
01:20:32 punkorastropunk: yes thank you, you already said that
01:20:36 punkorastropunk: not that i dont appretiate it
01:20:49 punkorastropunk: its just that you already explained it once and ive got it down
01:20:51 snickerspunk: lol. i couldnt tell if i got it to ya. my phones a wacko
01:20:56 punkorastropunk: alright
01:21:02 punkorastropunk: well i guess thats understandable
01:21:24 punkorastropunk: well did your phone recieve the terrific joke i made about the "canta-loupe"
01:21:53 snickerspunk: not yet. my message box was full.
01:21:53 punkorastropunk: actually its not that good of a joke because it requires pronouncing the word in an unorthodox way
01:21:56 snickerspunk: i just erased it.
01:22:00 punkorastropunk: damn
01:22:02 punkorastropunk: well you missed out
01:22:06 snickerspunk: damn.
01:22:11 punkorastropunk: it was really a one time thing
01:22:28 snickerspunk: lol... dont worry i just got it
01:22:40 snickerspunk: terribly good i might say
01:22:41 punkorastropunk: oh man. i didn't see that coming
01:22:41 snickerspunk: ....
01:22:50 punkorastropunk: dot dot dot dot?
01:23:03 snickerspunk: would you prefer ...
01:23:08 snickerspunk: or ..
01:23:26 punkorastropunk: wait.... each time i send a message does it come out as a new message. so should i send things to you in BULK so it takes up less messages?
01:23:45 punkorastropunk: well it all depends on what you mean by the dots
01:23:54 punkorastropunk: like if you wanted to end a sentance. one is often enough
01:24:23 punkorastropunk: or if you wanted to use a comma, you should use a comma.... unlike what i just did on accident in the last sentance
01:24:31 punkorastropunk: i guess i got too excited about the periods



(2:03) PunkElite: hold on
(2:04) Grayson: oh shit. ive had a email waiting to send to you for like an hour and a half and i only didn't send it because i need to find out how to spell cantaloupe
and it took awhile to find out, but by the time i did, i had completely forgot about the email and started talking to people
but i sent it just now

Tital Wave

So this tital wave killed all kinds of people around the coast of Indonesia. I was thinking about it just now and about how everywhere I go I see something like "think about the people of asia" and "our hearts are with [those people]." But when something that big happens so far away from where we live, it makes you think. And in my case, it makes me think "why should I be sad about this?" I mean, I don't know any of those people, or even anybody else who knew them. That might sound mean or inconsiderate, but it's the truth. It's not like some injustice that we can solve and figure out ways and lend our support to help them overcome. No, it was a natural disaster. Of course we can send them money to help with the damage, which makes sense. But as far as being sad for those people... I dunno. It seems like we don't really need to.
I mean, we are only sad about it because they are close to us. And when I say "close", I mean that they share our species, our planet and our time period. For example, we don't care about incidents in the past in which 400,000 people have died in a single natural disaster. We don't care about incidents in the future that will surely contain tragedy. We don't care about entire species of insects being wiped out. We don't care about tragedy that most likely takes place on other planets. Those things sound like "weird" things to care about or "lend our hearts and minds" to. But that is just because those incidents aren't as "close" to you as the tital wave that recently killed many of our fellow humans. When we "lend our hearts" we are really just caring about how it effects us now in the present. And I don't mean physically affects us either, it can be mental.
For instance, the Triangle Shirt Waist fire of 1911 in NYC doesn't bother us nearly as much as the World Trade Center attack on 9/11 (of a recent year) in NYC even though all the victims died in the same place in the same way. The key is that 911 was recent and in our time period. That brings it closer to us. Now you can compare your reaction to 911 to the recent Tital Wave. Way more people were involved in the tital wave, but 911 surely made a bigger impact on us Americans. Again, due this is due to the closeness. Now compare an American's reaction to 911, which killed many people, to that same person's reaction that a loved one has died. The loved one, being so close, makes a much larger impact. Of course you most likely already understood that the relativity of how "close" something is to you makes so much of a difference. But you may not have thought of how we only "lend our hearts" to the Asians because they are close to us in a way you may not have thought of. Now you should think about the ice age and all the people it froze. Lend your heart to that! Lend it! I bet you haven't before.

No More Unwanted Pregnancies!

A national government sperm bank network should be set up. Many sperm banks should be set up everywhere, but they would all be ran the same way and for the same purpose. They will also all have access to eachother. Unlike our current sperm banks, the purpose is not for women to find "donors" for their future pregnancies. The purpose is for men to keep a large ammount of their sperm in a safe guarded institution. The reason for all of this is because at the age of 18 males will have a visectomy so the can no longer produce sperm.
Do you see where I'm going with this? After 18, men will no longer accidentally get anyone pregnant! But, later in life when the man settles down, he will still be able to produce a natural born child with his spouse by withdrawling some of the sperm from the national sperm bank.
The reason that the bank would be state run is simple: corporations are not very accountable. I mean, as soon as they lose interest (aka: don't make enough money) they can just pack up and leave; leaving much of the nation without a means of reproduction. That's why it makes more sense for it to be a national institution that can be held accountable by the taxpaying citizens of the United States.
Of course, people can have children the natural way if they want to and never even go to a sperm bank. But that idea will go down the drain pretty quickly once the sperm bank is installed. My reasoning for this theory is the simple fact of competition between males. If a woman could find a man that can't possibly get her pregnant unless they both really planned it, why would she ever want a man that can easily infect her with the baby virus? She wouldn't! And why shouldn't she? I sure wouldn't want some random unwanted creature growing inside me. An invasion of the self!
There is only one flaw in this plan. Catholics and other fundamentalists would not practice it. In fact, I bet they would be vehemenantly against it*. Hopefully our constitution would preserve our sexual civil rights from these special interest groups, but that is not the big problem. The big problem is that the religious peoples would keep breeding like bunnies while the rest of us chilled back under the relaxing shad of the new system of reproduction. Soon, the country would be overrun with jesus freaks! We would THEN be outnumbered and they would surely take over the government to a much larger degree than they have today. Then there would be no more national sperm bank and we would be stuck with a lot more bible thumpers.
Like many things, this is a good idea that is completely ruined by religion**.


* Fundamentalists shouldn't be against this idea though. My reasoning is that there would be no more abortions! In fact, illegalize abortion! Install a death penality for it! It wouldn't matter anymore and the religious freaks would be appeased.
** For a listing of otherwise good ideas that religion arbitrarily discards please see: the Bible, the Quran and the Torah.

Movie Review: The Big Lebowski

Ah, the Big Lebowski. Yet another Coen brothers film. The first time I saw this movie it was edited and parts of it were entirely cut out to make way for commercials... That's what I get for watching it on Comedy Central. I recently watched it again unedited... MUCH BETTER. I didn't really like it that much the first time, but I definately do now. It's such a weird and random plot that wouldn't seem like it transfer well into a movie, but it does. The whole movie starts out with the Dude's (the main character) carpet being pissed on. He tries to get a new one and that is when his trouble starts. His friend (John Goodman) doesn't help matters much either. Also, Steve Bushemi (sp?) plays a minor role as a third friend who is always unaware of the context of many conversations, or "out of his league" as Goodman calls him. Anyways, this is a very funny movie, although I didn't find John Turturro's character as funny as most people did. But Phillup Seymour Hoffman makes up for this. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find a character that Hoffman plays that is not enjoyable. Or at least I haven't found one yet.
4 stars

Movies Review: Meet The Folkers (new)

The sequel to "Meet the Parents" wasn't nearly as good as the first. In fact, the first half an hour of the movie almost consists entirely of making cheesy references to the first one. They just tried too hard with this one, it had it's moments, but overall, it wasn't even worth making. But it seems nowdays that every movie has to have a sequel for some reason. Anyways, you can go see this movie if you want to, but don't get too excited about it.
2 1/2 stars

Movie Review: IF...

I saw this movie called "If..." the other night. I dunno about that movie, it was kind of "iffy" to tell you the truth. I mean, I liked the fact that Malcom McDowell (I think that's the name) from Clockwork Orange was in it, but it was a pretty slow movie. It could have been put together better in my opinion. Although, I did appretiate the ending.

Alien Hominid

Man, Alien Hominid is such a good game. It is by far the best game I have played that features a communist robot frog that shoots out little tadpole missles and a giant abominable snowman that you can ride. On top of that, there are Russian Matryoshka bears that fly around trying to hit you and when you shoot one enough, it opens and a smaller bear comes out doing the same thing... and all this in just ONE of the various levels! Talk about genius.